Thursday, January 5, 2012

2012 A Year of Change

*Warning this may be a long and boring post for most, but it's about me, so if you're interested, read on.

Often times I feel like I lack creative vision and quite honestly that's exactly why I have such a hard time following through with a lot of things. It's a terrible thing really, always trying to achieve perfection when I know it's not always realistic. 

When I was a child I wouldn't use my brand new crayons or markers for a long time for fear of ruining the tips. I wouldn't draw that picture I had in my mind because I knew it wouldn't come out exactly as I pictured it. As an adult, I'm not much different. I feel like I want my house to look a certain way, but knowing it won't, I don't try to turn my vision into reality. I want to try new activities, but out of fear of failure, I just don't bother. It's terrible really, so I'm declaring 2012 a year of change.

One thing that I've always had a passion for is photography. I can remember all the different feelings evoked from looking at photos. It's like pictures spoke to me. What few photos I saw of my grandparents made me feel like I had really known them, but it also made me realize how much of my history was missing. I've only ever seen one photo of my mother as baby, none of her as a child, and only a handful of her as a young adult. This could be because she lost her mother when she was nine years old and she grew up in a materially modest upbringing in remote Western Alaska where I'm sure not many of her relatives had cameras. This void of seeing my mom's past sparked an obssession to document my life, and it only intensified when she passed away in 1996. I remember loving to take pictures with my Mom's Poloroid camera. Then when I was seven or eight, I got my first 35mm camera from my Dad and so began my real obsession with taking pictures.

A few years ago, when my interest in photography was at its peak, I decided to give studio photography a shot. With the help of some family members, I got some basic equipment and started portfolio building. I loved it. I took a lot of photos of many many faces, but there was still always that strive for perfection that left me unsatisfied. So the need for perfection coupled with never ending technical difficulties,  I quit taking pictures all together. I put away my equipment, sold my good camera (Nikon D700) and just went about taking mediocre pictures with a half broken Fuji S3 Pro camera and a barely working Tamron lens. Recently, however, I have had more and more people wanting me to photograph their kids. After months of inquiries, I have taken a few photos and am still being convinced to take more. 

Why all the babbling? Well, today while I was on the internet I saw something that got my excitement for photography going again.

The announcement of the New Nikon D4! Seriously it got my blood flowing again! Not that I'm planning on buying this bad boy, cause let's be real here! My unemployed stay-at-home mom status will not afford me a $6,000 camera, but I can sure dream, right?!  Perhaps I'll get lucky and some rich person wanting to spend some of their petty cash will find me and donate this beautiful piece of equipment to me so my kids, who have dubbed me Mamarazzi, will really have something to frown about. I know, I know, it's highly unlikely, but I am liking this dreaming thing so I'm just going to keep at it.  If you were brave enough to endure all the babbling, then you deserve a little more eye candy, so here you go.

2012 will be a year of dreaming, but more importantly a year of change. Thanks Nikon for the inspiration to shoot again!

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